chips 'n dip: Way of the Geek
Walter Shawlee 3.0

Computer geeks are a separate species from the rest of humanity. We barely speak the same language, and it goes without saying that our sense of hygiene is seriously wanting. We are both supremely advanced in that we can manipulate a good deal of what goes on, but at the same time we're stuck in the dark ages. You see, us computer geeks don't really get a whole lot of dates, leaving us with a good deal of time on our hands to either watch porn or do something with computers. We are stuck in our little cliques talking about the latest motherboard chipsets from VIA and Intel (incidentally, these are the KT333 and 850E) and drinking ourselves into a stupor. When we wander outside our designated social trends, that's when trouble starts. For instance: my last column, a cow byproduct so fierce I had the fertiliser industry after me for a recipe. By stepping outside the secure area of computing, I managed to turn perfectly good newsprint into a napkin.

Perhaps the best thing I can do is explain to all the non-crazed computer psychotics out there how it is we function. We have a good deal of difficulty doing that thing you other people do (I think it's called talking) with the non-geeks. Believe me, we want to 'talk' with you, but we don't have the faintest idea how to accomplish that. We truly struggle with your fixation on makeup, snappy clothing and smelling nice, because we just don't see that point behind it. What we need is a little help from the rest of the population, a gentle shove towards the daylight we never see, usually because we hunch in the soft glow of computers all the time. I saw daylight for the first time in weeks yesterday; it was horrifying, in a beautiful sort of way. My retinas were slowly broiled in the fluid of the eye, inducing extreme agony - and maybe some discomfort too. At the same, time I partook of a beautiful sunrise that had to be in at least 32-bit color. Such beautiful splendor and yet such incredible pain. (Oh, just get a laptop computer, dammit! -A.)

My mind slowly wandered into how I could possibly scan this beautiful scene into my computer. There were other difficulties as well, like what sort of resolution to use while scanning the image. Sadly, the sun had risen and I had missed my chance to use my trusty hand-scanner. I would not be caught so unprepared next time, for I would use a 3.3 mega pixel digital camera. While ranting like a crazed monkey discovering bananas for the first time, those who had brought me to this beautiful demonstration threw up their arms in despair. They had managed to get me into daylight, yet had not convinced me to forsake my Bushido-like code of computing. I will share this code with you all now so that you may try and help the nearest geek at least get a date.

The Code:
Computers are of paramount importance; significant others are way down there in the hierarchy of obsession.

Hygiene is not important, but the keyboard must sparkle with a dull glimmer and the mouse must be in pristine working order.

When we die our honorable deaths, we want to be buried with an installation guide to SuSE, Redhat, Mandrake and Caldera Linux.

It's not cold in here, it's just your imagination; that, and I am over-clocking my computer, so the surrounding air has to be at sub-zero temperatures.

If you don't understand how to use a computer, you are to be given the "mark," warning all other computer geeks to stay away from you.

Cheese that comes from a spray can is acceptable as a meal so long as it is taken with a glass of milk.

Milk is for those who have not discovered Jolt Cola, the beverage of the elite power user.

Trust in the Force. The Force binds us all together. I can sense you want to make me see daylight. Call a retreat, mine enemy, before I scratch your eyes out, you fiend.

There are a few other entries in the "code," but I have taken the liberty of summarising them for you here. Now that this is revealed it may help to explain our ways. Though it is true that not all computer geeks follow this code - some are more deranged, while others can discretely blend into your society like chameleons. As a warning to those who would pursue us geeks and force us into the daylight: we may not be able to resist your physical prowess, but we're going to slash your credit rating.

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