Five Card Drawers - fun rules for playing strip poker
Pete Lypkie

Nudity is both one of our biggest social taboos and one of our most exciting betting tools. Don't believe me? Well, try playing some strip poker this weekend.

I've had several conversations about strip poker during this past week. Some of these highly expressive conversations took place in very public places. Just the other night, I was chastised by a woman on the SkyTrain for not paying attention to more "important" things, such as my duty to enjoy the beauty of the full moon outside (and I'm sure the pun was unintentional on her part). She actually felt quite strongly that it was improper and vulgar for my friends and I to be discussing strip poker in an excited manner.

I guess the social taboo against nudity was working pretty strongly in that woman's mind - strong enough for her to feel it was wrong to have fun by playing on natural urges.

A good number of my recent conversations have revolved around defining the goals of strip poker and determining which rules might best achieve those goals. In high school, when I first played strip poker on a trip with the school band - feel free to insert jokes about "one time, at band camp..." here - the goal of most of the kids seemed to be getting a certain attractive person to remove clothes. While I suspect this might be a common goal to many a game of strip poker, I also think it is flawed as a fundamental goal.

If all of the risk is concentrated on one person, there's a large chance that the whole event becomes less fun for that one person. The nudity taboo returns. It becomes harder for that person to feel okay removing clothes when everyone else is still clothed, focused, and drooling. One person is made to feel vulnerable, while the others hold power. I don't think I'd be eager to play again. How about you?

Besides, playing this way involves only the dimension of spectator excitement. Everyone is watching someone else getting naked, but not doing it themselves. Do you go to an amusement park with your five friends in order to watch one friend ride the roller coaster? I didn't think so. The thrill is in the first-hand experience. The thrill is in breaking taboos, and that is why taboos are fun to have around.

Why is nudity a taboo? I think people are afraid of losing control over themselves when their sexual urges are in effect, and they can't separate the naked body enough from sexuality. I also think that there are stronger taboos in place for women which arise mostly due to the power relations between men and women. If a woman is allowed to be naked (or merely topless!) when she pleases, it may give her power over any aroused man who might be around. It makes sense - at least to me - that patriarchal social structures would develop standards of "decency" that remove the possibility for women to have some kind - any kind - of power over men.

One experience opened up my mind, and my trousers, to many new thoughts on nudity. I once went to a weekend pagan retreat. A friend had invited me along and it sounded like fun, so I thought I would go see what it was all about.

One thing that immediately caught my eye was that the whole weekend was "clothing-optional." We arrived, I met a few people and asked them what they thought about the nudity policy. Some were enthusiastic about being nude around others, though most of the rest were "sort of" open to the possibility of participating. Quite a few of us got our hopes up that the "attractive" people might soon be losing a few articles of clothing.

I made a really interesting observation the next afternoon when I went down to the lake's beach with no covering other than my SPF 50 sunscreen - affectionately known by some as "liquid sweater." While reading my book and enjoying the sun shining on parts where the sun-usually-don't-shine, I coolly glanced around at those who were present. It suddenly occurred to me then that absolutely none of the women who were considered really attractive were nude, and almost all the women who might commonly be described as physically unattractive were just baring it all and loving it.

It also appeared to me that such a divisive pattern did not hold for the men, who just seemed happy to have the opportunity to get naked and not be thought of as weird.

Yeah. But I digress.

I really believe that the combination of social taboo with sexual tension combine to make group nudity a superb opportunity for generating excitement. Some prefer using alcohol or substance effects to liven up a party. Some float their boat through the kinesthetic thrill of the roller coaster. I still think we're all undervaluing the thrill of nudity achieved via strip-poker. In fact, I'm betting on it.

My eager friends and I studied the history and lore of strip poker so we could best come up with what we believed to be the ultimate strip poker rules. Most strip poker rules we found allowed for people to be singled out, and were based on the idea that either a) the person with the worst hand must remove an article of clothing, or b) the person with the best hand chooses someone to remove an article of clothing. As in all games, the choice of rules determines the flavour of the game, and these two rule variants spoil an otherwise good recipe for fun.

In order to improve the game, we felt it necessary to set a goal of having everyone at some common level of nudity. Another important goal, though, is to keep all the things that make regular poker so interesting. The aforementioned bad rules a) and b) eliminated all the betting. Just displaying your accumulated hand at the end of the round really destroys the interesting aspects of regular poker. You might as well just play strip high card or something. Strip go fish. Strip 52 pick up.

So, with goals of cross-board nudity, allowing for variation based on skill, coupled with respecting the majesty of a real betting game like poker, I propose the following rules set.

First, we should use poker chips as normal, to preserve the honour of this noble game.

Second, chips are purchased by removing articles of clothes. Perhaps 100 chips would cost one piece of clothing.

Third, each person loses 20 chips per round. These chips are not an ante into the pot, but are instead just removed from the game. In practice, this means that everyone loses a piece of clothing, on average, every 5 rounds. Since the game of poker is preserved intact, however, your skill level can help keep you clothed.

In any case, I definitely think this setup is preferable to the "betting with pieces of clothing" variant, because in that game you only have 6 or 7 'chips' to play with. One round of Texas Hold 'em and you're nude.

I'll wager the proposed rules will make your game more enjoyable. As with any recipe, you can adjust the proportions to taste. Don't believe me? Go out and try it. Just make sure you're wearing a few extra layers.

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