Editor's Voice: It’s four courses, it isn’t brain surgery
Warren Haas, Humour Editor
I am the smartest man alive. Period. I don’t think there’s any questioning it, really. You see, I’ve come to realise in my time at Simon Fraser that people aren’t so smart. Or at least I am smarter than everyone else. And since my life is basically constituted of attending this university, I can reasonably infer that if I am smarter than everyone here, then I am the smartest man everywhere.
This realisation came about recently actually, specifically as I was listening to someone in one of my classes talk about school. This person was explaining to another about how they were going to drop one of their classes because they were taking four currently and it was just too much work. My reaction was, “What the fuck?” Four classes? That’s nothing. Then I thought, no, hold on, maybe she works. The person she was talking to happened to ask her that and then she said no. She responded to him that she did not work.
This pissed me off. A lot. I’ll be honest: in my first two semesters here at SFU I only took four classes. But that was because it was my first year and I just wanted to relax and shit, you know, take it easy. Then I realised I had to actually do some work, in order to finish my degree in the only respectable amount of time: four years.
I am currently taking five classes. And guess what, I work a part-time job as well. How do you like them motherfucking candy apples on sticks so you can eat them without getting your hands sticky? And I am having no trouble with it. I do all my readings, all my assignments, and I can still get crunk on the weekends. Crunk like you wouldn’t believe.
I just can’t understand how people somehow think five classes is such a bad thing. Yes, it is more work than four classes and in some cases can be considered “hard work.” But did you motherfuckers forget that you are in university? This shit isn’t supposed to be easy. You are supposed to learn how to work hard so when you end up in the real world, you can actually hold a job without being fired for being lazy and saying, “Gee boss, three reports this week is just too much.”
I know a fair amount of people at SFU that are taking three classes or less. I can’t believe it. That is just the height of laziness and stupidity. Are you really that dumb that you can only focus on three different subjects? I don’t think this is the case; there are (a few) reasonably intelligent people attending school here. That is why I have taken it upon myself to declare that I am the smartest man alive. I must be smarter than everyone else at SFU if I can tackle five classes and a job all in one semester.
Both of my parents took five classes in every semester they went to school, and when I was taking only four, I’m pretty sure they thought I was on drugs or something. My dad used to have classes six days a week. I think some people reading this just fainted.
And another thing, are any of you who take three classes a semester planning on going to grad school? By the time you finish it you’ll be retirement age. Or maybe that’s your plan? Avoid real life as long as possible. If you are 40 and going to university, I will challenge you to a thumb war in which I will wear a glove that has a spiked thumb. And then I will poke your eye out with my thumb.
So basically, I have no respect for anyone. There is some attitude floating amongst the fog here that makes people think they deserve to not work so hard, they deserve to have an easy semester. Well guess what? You don’t. Nine years of easy semesters that finally gets you a degree should be embarrassing for you. Even five years is pushing it. After four years you should be out on the big dance floor that is the world leading the fucking conga line. But I will already be running the club because I’m so damn smart.