I recently moved into a new condominium. A new leaky condominium. What am I gonna do now? My home is a mess!

The press has covered this topic endlessly, with catchy, front page, attention-grabbing headlines. Some guy is screaming and yelling and telling us he is angry! But they missed my story.

I give up, the truth now: I don't own a condominium; why pay rent? Might as well be buying a coffin to bury yourself in.

I live in a tree house. And it's not leaky. Sure, it rains a lot out there. The forest gets wet, but I don't. I'm nice and snug in my bed, under warm blankets. I can't plug in my microwave anywhere, but it's a great place to store food, and the raccoons haven't figured out how to get into it yet.

Guess what? I don't pay rent. This is a new change for me. I've been paying rent all my life, well, at least since my mom and dad kicked me out of the house. First mom moved out, then dad kicked me out. Since then, I've been paying rent. And it sucks.

Paying rent means having money. And getting money, usually means having a job. And that sucks even more.

I turned 25 one month ago... a minor crisis in my short life. I sold all my comic books, all my bath toys. I gave it all up. I sold my CDs. I gave away all my clothes. I needed to change and seek out a new identity. No, it's not an identity crisis, it's an important transition phase. I need a new drug. Maybe I've found it. Maybe I've found a new reason to live. Maybe not.

Why do they call this newspaper "The Peak," anyway? Back in 1965, acid was real big, you know.

I decided to do a lot of drugs and live up in the trees. No more comfortable living for me. No more electricity, and no more power bills, no phone and no phone bills. Just my backpack on my back, and the open road. Just me, my dog, and my squeegee. No more rent. No more home. Don't let that scare you, let it free you.

Why do I live in a tree house? Because it's better than living in a tent.

My next door neighbour lives in a tent, and wakes up everyday with humongous fat slugs crawling over him... Yuck. Not for me.

Why live in the forest? Wake up at five in the morning with the birds singing, and squirrels running around... it's a pure joy.

Everyone should go live in the trees. It's my dream home, my safety net, my fall-out shelter in a world that is no longer afraid of the bomb. My fancy condo is hidden somewhere deep in the forest. It is better than a leaky condo, and I didn't have to pay anything for it. It is a cool bunker deep underground, where no one will find me and where I can conduct funny scientific experiements, and maybe even make my own drugs.

It sure beats living in a tent. I wish I could build a tree house like the Earth First! dudes have done in the states; I could live a couple hundred feet in the air with only a car battery as a power source, and people would come everyday and bring me food. But there are no ancient redwoods around here. I'm a hundred years too late to save them. Building a tree house in a flimsy alder tree is a challenge, I tell ya. I dream of an Ewok village in the forest where all the happy people live, free from rent and free from domination by the evil landlord and capitalist pigs... rent is theft.

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